Many people have asked, given my vocal commentary on local issues, whether I'm running for something. Well, I think today is the perfect day to make my intentions clear: I am running for President of Portsmouth Concerned Citizens, Inc.

Oh, sure, there are some formalities. I need to actually join the PCC. Get nominated somehow. And I'm sure the "good-old-boy" network will do their best to thwart the sanctity of the people's vote and try to keep me from diluting the ballot, but I intend to be victorious. I'm the right person for the job, and here's why:

I understand the rules of the new ballgame. With the Paiva Weed tax cap, the rhetoric of tax rebellion and Financial Town Meetings is moot. The PCC no longer needs an "expert practitioner of the tent meeting," but rather someone who understands the levers of economic growth, who can work with businesses and citizens alike, and who is willing to accept the sworn testimony of CPAs. Someone who does not see education as a "special interest group," but rather the only way our kids will be able to compete in a flat world.

I can spin better illusions. Sure, the former president could make big claims like, the HVAC system in the gym "was not properly integrated," or last year's school budget was not modified by the appropriate date, or the school committee and administration "are directly and intentionally subverting the principles of democratic government." But I am a professional science fiction writer. Compare any of those weak allegations with something like, "So-called 'Doctor' Susan Lusi is nothing more than an alien Lectroid from the Eighth Dimension, here on earth to fleece us of our tax dollars. The proposal to move administration to the Middle School is a cover story. They plan to use the old building as a nest where they will grow genetically identical pod-people to replace the Town Councilors and School Committee members. You want proof? Look at Karen Gleason. The truth is out there."

I don't have the albatross of the "Tent Meeting" and the stinging loss in Superior Court around my neck. The previous PCC administration, after all, cost the taxpayers $70K for the tent meeting and well over $100K in legal fees (not counting Trollboy Wigand), plus the opportunity costs of 6 months of Town Council and School Committee time. That more than offsets the amount they "saved" the taxpayers. And despite their best efforts, they were denied amicus status and the schools won the case. I mean, it's not like getting a blowjob from an intern, but it does affect electability.

I can cut costs and reduce cycle time by blogging myself. Since I would already know what patent nonsense I plan to spout at public meetings, I can actually lampoon my appearance before it happens. In fact, that being the case, I can just make fun of myself and skip the meeting entirely, saving everyone time and energy. Of course, I do have to come up with a clever nickname for myself. Something like Yawn McDope might do nicely.

For these and other reasons, I herby announce my candidacy, this first day of April, for President of the PCC. Democracy is decided by those who show up. Vote early, vote often.