Finest U.s. Commander, not King: W

I'm sick and tired of the incessant drumbeat from the liberal left, which has continued so long that now Hollywood and the media elite have felt obligated to start marching in step. The truth is out there, and when the Great Scorer comes to write it all down, the final tally will show what we all know: George W. Bush rules.

Does it really matter *why* we invaded Iraq? Isn't that country a better place now, a shining beacon of democracy for the Middle East to both admire -- and fear? If it was necessary to bend a few rules, ignore the stray data point, fire a general or two, leak classified material in wartime, heck, that's just the business of government. It's not like he got a blowjob in the Oval Office.

And speaking of blowjobs, what's up with Russ Feingold? Doesn't he understand that the President needs to do everything within his power -- even if Congress has some silly technicalities to the contrary -- to protect our Country? Real cowboys like our W don't take the worst terrorist act against America lying down. And remember, this is all about 9-11. An attack on Amerca. September 11. Terrorism. Fear. Fear. Fear. My Pet Goat. Fear. Fear.

And those folks out there who say that the Administration could have made Social Secuity solvent for another 75 years with just a part of what is being spent on Iraq, I have just two words: weapons of mass destruction. We know American seniors don't have them, thank God, but what about Saddam? Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Just the other night, on "The Daily Show," I saw one of Saddam's generals say that those weapons existed; one of his pilots told him; or a friend of one of his pilots who had once accidentally tried to dry his poodle in a microwave. That's proof enough for me.

What would Jesus do? Once he stopped puking, crying, and tearing his long, straight, Aryan hair from his oddly-white European skin, he would start kicking ass and taking names. The scientists, the quadriplegics, and the genetically disadvantaged, and all others who promote the taking of an embryo's life in the name of stem cell research would be immediately slaughtered and sent to Hell. All the members of the ACLU and EFF would be next, for fighting school prayer and the 10 commandments in court houses, defending murdering abortion mills, and opposing DRM. (Jesus has an iPod, man, and he *likes* technologies that limit your freedom. Christianity, after all, is essentially DRM for the human brain.)

About immigration, I don't know what to say. No, I mean I really don't. I'm stuck between my bedrock Republican principles, and the fear that I'm beginning to sense -- fueled by the out-of-touch, liberal elite -- that we're in for trouble in November. One of the great minds of our Party once called them the "nattering nabobs of negativism," and I couldn't be prouder of Spiro Agnew right now. Dick Cheney should emulate his example. We nailed Dan Rather's dick to the floor, but there are so many left (no pun intended) who deserve the same. Lou Dobbs, for starters.

Well, that's about all the news from Grover's Corners. They're here with the duct tape and straightjacket again, so it's back to the basement for me. Hope you enjoy the rest of your April 1.